The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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