please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
