Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
