Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
