You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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Can't talk, ducks in the car
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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