I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
