That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
