i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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