At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
