Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i already hear my dad disowning me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
