don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
