im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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