By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
