I'm lost and stupid without you.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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