You don't have asthma, your pregnant
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time