I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my being single is dangerous.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT