Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
