I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Let's get the cat blown out
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
