Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
