fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My hand turned me down
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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