We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
