this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
