i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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