He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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