Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize