I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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