I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
