you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
