u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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