i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
