my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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