I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
