Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
