Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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