respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
