The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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