Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
