The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
