I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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