my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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