i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
