Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
