remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
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I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever