she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just wanna be euthanized