dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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