I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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