the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i think my cat just said my name.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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