they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
