Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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