i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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