Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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