I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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