I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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