You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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