why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Someone shattered a urinal.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
