shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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