i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
