my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
